








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 16 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 29 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 10 different maps





Our logs show 15 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




4 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
811 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 2,435 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 692 | 28% |
| Smokes | 853 | 35% |
| HE Grenades | 107 | 4% |
| Molotovs | 783 | 32% |
Our logs show you have wasted $281,887 of utility $182 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 490 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | John "Connor" Strike | 80% | 10 |
| #2 | pobbus | 59% | 56 |
| #3 | emo boy footjob | 55% | 20 |
| #4 | meow thing | 55% | 11 |
| #5 | clobbert | 53% | 32 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #4 | meow thing | 55% | 11 |
| #5 | clobbert | 53% | 32 |
| #6 | KLEINES HUND | 50% | 6 |
| #7 | axwq | 50% | 24 |
| #8 | ASTROX | 42% | 12 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | clobbert | 9 | 0.0143 |
| #2 | pobbus | 2 | 0.0019 |
| #3 | axwq | 2 | 0.0043 |
| #4 | KLEINES HUND | 2 | 0.0200 |
| #5 | John "Connor" Strike | 1 | 0.0061 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | pobbus | 73 | 0.07 | 2 min |
| #2 | clobbert | 60 | 0.10 | 1 min |
| #3 | axwq | 37 | 0.08 | 1 min |
| #4 | emo boy footjob | 37 | 0.09 | 1 min |
| #5 | meow thing | 31 | 0.15 | 1 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | the jonkler | +4.16 | 83 | 49 |
| #2 | John "Connor" Strike | +3.48 | 66 | 55 |
| #3 | meow thing | +2.76 | 81 | 59 |
| #4 | pobbus | +1.22 | 68 | 32 |
| #5 | axwq | -0.47 | 55 | 45 |





