








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 845 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 415 matches | ||
| Faceit | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Agency | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show 42 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




38 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
3813 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 16,885 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 5978 | 35% |
| Smokes | 3800 | 23% |
| HE Grenades | 4361 | 26% |
| Molotovs | 2746 | 16% |
Our logs show you have wasted $1,185,615 of utility $119 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 448 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | sin | 53% | 165 |
| #2 | john chinaman | 51% | 89 |
| #3 | mando | 50% | 26 |
| #4 | your wifes boyfriend | 50% | 92 |
| #5 | dr. respect | 50% | 163 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #3 | mando | 50% | 26 |
| #4 | your wifes boyfriend | 50% | 92 |
| #5 | dr. respect | 50% | 163 |
| #6 | zoowee | 46% | 26 |
| #7 | 𝕱𝖆𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗 | 46% | 35 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | dr. respect | 31 | 0.0088 |
| #2 | your wifes boyfriend | 13 | 0.0066 |
| #3 | john chinaman | 13 | 0.0070 |
| #4 | sin | 11 | 0.0031 |
| #5 | mando | 1 | 0.0019 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | dr. respect | 403 | 0.11 | 8 min |
| #2 | sin | 353 | 0.10 | 8 min |
| #3 | john chinaman | 238 | 0.13 | 5 min |
| #4 | your wifes boyfriend | 136 | 0.07 | 3 min |
| #5 | mando | 24 | 0.04 | 1 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | your wifes boyfriend | +1.94 | 56 | 43 |
| #2 | zoowee | +1.04 | 54 | 29 |
| #3 | 𝕱𝖆𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖗 | +0.94 | 64 | 23 |
| #4 | dr. respect | +0.71 | 46 | 58 |
| #5 | eug | +0.36 | 69 | 61 |





