








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 156 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September


The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 103 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 15 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 13 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 11 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 9 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 9 different maps





Our logs show 8 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




15 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
1189 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 4,314 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 588 | 14% |
| Smokes | 2061 | 48% |
| HE Grenades | 1173 | 27% |
| Molotovs | 492 | 11% |
Our logs show you have wasted $397,044 of utility $88 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 60 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | EggZen | 53% | 17 |
| #2 | Capturelight Abe | 48% | 23 |
| #3 | Masturbake | 47% | 159 |
| #4 | WastedApple | 47% | 150 |
| #5 | ○ Skapoodle ○ | 46% | 142 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Masturbake | 21 | 0.0063 |
| #2 | WastedApple | 16 | 0.0051 |
| #3 | ○ Skapoodle ○ | 10 | 0.0034 |
| #4 | Capturelight Abe | 2 | 0.0044 |
| #5 | GingerHasAle | 2 | 0.0061 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Masturbake | 577 | 0.17 | 14 min |
| #2 | ○ Skapoodle ○ | 265 | 0.09 | 5 min |
| #3 | WastedApple | 205 | 0.07 | 4 min |
| #4 | ZER0 | 183 | 0.11 | 4 min |
| #5 | 4ri | 95 | 0.25 | 2 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Masturbake | +6.58 | 82 | 76 |
| #2 | Capturelight Abe | +5.47 | 64 | 65 |
| #3 | 4ri | +0.61 | 29 | 67 |
| #4 | EggZen | +0.13 | 34 | 50 |
| #5 | ○ Skapoodle ○ | -0.25 | 49 | 40 |





