








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 239 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 174 matches | ||
| Wingman | 10 matches | ||
| Faceit | 8 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 2 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 13 different maps





Our logs show 12 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




6 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
1543 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 6,138 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 1346 | 22% |
| Smokes | 1518 | 25% |
| HE Grenades | 1923 | 31% |
| Molotovs | 1351 | 22% |
Our logs show you have wasted $948,150 of utility $172 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 112 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #9 | DeagJr | 43% | 30 |
| #10 | Koala Jesus | 43% | 129 |
| #11 | Illiquid | 40% | 20 |
| #12 | Floady | 33% | 18 |
| #13 | Bill | 33% | 18 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Koala Jesus | 10 | 0.0037 |
| #2 | Koala Jesus v.2 | 7 | 0.0051 |
| #3 | Wetahded turdle | 5 | 0.0026 |
| #4 | Shadow | 3 | 0.0015 |
| #5 | b0bbyB | 2 | 0.0023 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Koala Jesus | 371 | 0.14 | 9 min |
| #2 | Wetahded turdle | 352 | 0.18 | 10 min |
| #3 | Koala Jesus v.2 | 191 | 0.14 | 5 min |
| #4 | b0bbyB | 120 | 0.14 | 3 min |
| #5 | Shadow | 111 | 0.06 | 3 min |





