








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 35 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 38 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Grail | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




4 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
666 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 2,320 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 552 | 24% |
| Smokes | 912 | 39% |
| HE Grenades | 499 | 22% |
| Molotovs | 357 | 15% |
Our logs show you have wasted $87,677 of utility $41 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 5 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | ogletree | 71% | 7 |
| #2 | Pritzelbritzel | 67% | 9 |
| #3 | Angel of Nightmare | 67% | 18 |
| #4 | [►] 317 | 63% | 8 |
| #5 | Schlomo | 63% | 8 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #16 | Army | 25% | 8 |
| #17 | Jiriki | 22% | 27 |
| #18 | Acetaminophen | 14% | 7 |
| #19 | NetZwerg211 [GER] | 13% | 8 |
| #20 | Das Krokodil | 13% | 8 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Mützchen | 7 | 0.0073 |
| #2 | Lizec | 4 | 0.0022 |
| #3 | Torrul | 3 | 0.0031 |
| #4 | kay ツ | 2 | 0.0047 |
| #5 | spudlich | 1 | 0.0050 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Lizec | 59 | 0.03 | 1 min |
| #2 | kay ツ | 54 | 0.13 | 2 min |
| #3 | Mützchen | 37 | 0.04 | 1 min |
| #4 | [►] 317 | 22 | 0.13 | 1 min |
| #5 | Army | 22 | 0.14 | 0 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | [►] 317 | +8.83 | 80 | 70 |
| #2 | ogletree | +7.68 | 66 | 70 |
| #3 | Army | +6.23 | 73 | 70 |
| #4 | kay ツ | +5.99 | 75 | 59 |
| #5 | Pritzelbritzel | +5.78 | 74 | 62 |





