








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 61 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Train | 88 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 86 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 71 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 53 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 45 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 43 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 42 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 37 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 33 matches | ||
| Competitive Agency | 32 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 21 matches | ||
| Competitive Italy | 17 matches | ||
| Competitive Grail | 17 matches | ||
| Competitive Jura | 13 matches | ||
| Competitive Basalt | 11 matches | ||
| Competitive Edin | 9 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 16 different maps





Our logs show 7 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




58 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
3422 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 10,328 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 1900 | 18% |
| Smokes | 2975 | 29% |
| HE Grenades | 3235 | 31% |
| Molotovs | 2218 | 21% |
Our logs show you have wasted $1,064,218 of utility $86 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 18 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Not Er-Mah-Gerds | 45% | 122 |
| #2 | Loner | 44% | 112 |
| #3 | Vlad Thunder Cock | 43% | 170 |
| #4 | Han Hones! | 42% | 565 |
| #5 | Doc.Goodikins | 40% | 155 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #3 | Vlad Thunder Cock | 43% | 170 |
| #4 | Han Hones! | 42% | 565 |
| #5 | Doc.Goodikins | 40% | 155 |
| #6 | BAMMY | 34% | 119 |
| #7 | Barry McCockiner | 14% | 35 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Han Hones! | 34 | 0.0032 |
| #2 | Doc.Goodikins | 20 | 0.0066 |
| #3 | Not Er-Mah-Gerds | 10 | 0.0046 |
| #4 | Vlad Thunder Cock | 9 | 0.0026 |
| #5 | Loner | 3 | 0.0014 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Vlad Thunder Cock | 289 | 0.08 | 8 min |
| #2 | Han Hones! | 168 | 0.02 | 4 min |
| #3 | Not Er-Mah-Gerds | 156 | 0.07 | 4 min |
| #4 | Doc.Goodikins | 44 | 0.01 | 1 min |
| #5 | BAMMY | 27 | 0.01 | 0 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Vlad Thunder Cock | +4.91 | 84 | 59 |
| #2 | Han Hones! | +2.67 | 71 | 31 |
| #3 | Loner | +1.56 | 65 | 22 |
| #4 | Not Er-Mah-Gerds | +1.32 | 69 | 65 |
| #5 | BAMMY | -0.84 | 58 | 23 |





