








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 45 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Faceit | 60 matches | ||
| Premier | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 2 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




1 of your human shaped victims was your teammate...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
462 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 2,363 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 498 | 21% |
| Smokes | 807 | 34% |
| HE Grenades | 435 | 18% |
| Molotovs | 623 | 26% |
Our logs show you have wasted $232,800 of utility $133 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 9 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Peen Partavionius Finkerdongle | 48% | 40 |
| #2 | Bartholomew Hawthorn | 43% | 47 |
| #3 | Shroub | 41% | 22 |
| #4 | Thovex | 40% | 5 |
| #5 | erzu | 39% | 23 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Peen Partavionius Finkerdongle | 48% | 40 |
| #2 | Bartholomew Hawthorn | 43% | 47 |
| #3 | Shroub | 41% | 22 |
| #4 | Thovex | 40% | 5 |
| #5 | erzu | 39% | 23 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Bartholomew Hawthorn | 2 | 0.0020 |
| #2 | Peen Partavionius Finkerdongle | 1 | 0.0012 |
| #3 | erzu | 1 | 0.0020 |
| #4 | Thovex | 1 | 0.0099 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Bartholomew Hawthorn | 157 | 0.16 | 4 min |
| #2 | Shroub | 92 | 0.18 | 2 min |
| #3 | erzu | 75 | 0.15 | 2 min |
| #4 | Peen Partavionius Finkerdongle | 73 | 0.09 | 1 min |
| #5 | Thovex | 5 | 0.05 | 0 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Bartholomew Hawthorn | +0.93 | 72 | 63 |
| #2 | erzu | +0.71 | 80 | 45 |
| #3 | Shroub | +0.33 | 54 | 63 |
| #4 | Peen Partavionius Finkerdongle | +0.03 | 56 | 65 |
| #5 | TheShadowKing | -1.87 | 44 | 55 |





