








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 48 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September





The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Mirage | 42 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 29 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 28 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 23 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 18 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 17 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 14 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 5 matches | ||
| Premier | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 4 matches | ||
| Faceit | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Grail | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 14 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




11 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
870 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 3,841 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 642 | 17% |
| Smokes | 1026 | 27% |
| HE Grenades | 826 | 22% |
| Molotovs | 1347 | 35% |
Our logs show you have wasted $428,847 of utility $88 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 8 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Named_fr4n | 60% | 15 |
| #2 | mandu | 50% | 80 |
| #3 | Jacob Benjamin Wickington Smith | 45% | 146 |
| #4 | Vanilla Coke | 42% | 97 |
| #5 | dabbertons | 41% | 128 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | mandu | 15 | 0.0094 |
| #2 | Jacob Benjamin Wickington Smith | 9 | 0.0031 |
| #3 | Vanilla Coke | 6 | 0.0031 |
| #4 | secret gay fuck spot | 6 | 0.0045 |
| #5 | dabbertons | 5 | 0.0020 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | dabbertons | 498 | 0.19 | 9 min |
| #2 | Jacob Benjamin Wickington Smith | 486 | 0.17 | 11 min |
| #3 | Vanilla Coke | 415 | 0.22 | 7 min |
| #4 | mandu | 354 | 0.22 | 9 min |
| #5 | oIAMoKYESo | 260 | 0.11 | 6 min |





