








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 685 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Office | 92 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 3 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 9 different maps





Our logs show 1 Chicken Has been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




8 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
995 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 2,756 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 105 | 4% |
| Smokes | 1072 | 39% |
| HE Grenades | 930 | 34% |
| Molotovs | 649 | 24% |
Our logs show you have wasted $422,001 of utility $187 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 815 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Lenard is Feces | 47% | 19 |
| #2 | woodle | 46% | 48 |
| #3 | Bestie | 42% | 55 |
| #4 | Garrison | 41% | 32 |
| #5 | Olox | 40% | 52 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #2 | woodle | 46% | 48 |
| #3 | Bestie | 42% | 55 |
| #4 | Garrison | 41% | 32 |
| #5 | Olox | 40% | 52 |
| #6 | fake-nut baby | 40% | 67 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Bestie | 4 | 0.0036 |
| #2 | Garrison | 4 | 0.0062 |
| #3 | woodle | 3 | 0.0031 |
| #4 | Lenard is Feces | 3 | 0.0081 |
| #5 | fake-nut baby | 2 | 0.0015 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Garrison | 117 | 0.18 | 3 min |
| #2 | Lenard is Feces | 19 | 0.05 | 0 min |
| #3 | Olox | 14 | 0.01 | 0 min |
| #4 | fake-nut baby | 7 | 0.01 | 0 min |
| #5 | Bestie | 5 | 0.00 | 0 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Garrison | +3.10 | 72 | 64 |
| #2 | Secret Albatross | +2.48 | 74 | 49 |
| #3 | fake-nut baby | +2.13 | 72 | 40 |
| #4 | woodle | -0.66 | 56 | 25 |
| #5 | Lenard is Feces | -0.71 | 38 | 32 |





