








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 15 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Vertigo | 18 matches | ||
| Premier | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 3 matches | ||
| Wingman | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 8 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




33 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
592 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 982 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 270 | 27% |
| Smokes | 168 | 17% |
| HE Grenades | 295 | 30% |
| Molotovs | 249 | 25% |
Our logs show you have wasted $35,619 of utility $24 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 11 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Tshernobylin mamelukkikala | 39% | 18 |
| #2 | Jeffrey Dahmer | 32% | 50 |
| #3 | Fake | 31% | 42 |
| #4 | kehari ♿ | 31% | 55 |
| #5 | Kontakti | 19% | 26 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #2 | Jeffrey Dahmer | 32% | 50 |
| #3 | Fake | 31% | 42 |
| #4 | kehari ♿ | 31% | 55 |
| #5 | Kontakti | 19% | 26 |
| #6 | Jape Ankka | 14% | 7 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | kehari ♿ | 34 | 0.0322 |
| #2 | Fake | 19 | 0.0231 |
| #3 | Kontakti | 8 | 0.0161 |
| #4 | Tshernobylin mamelukkikala | 5 | 0.0132 |
| #5 | Jeffrey Dahmer | 3 | 0.0032 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | kehari ♿ | 159 | 0.15 | 3 min |
| #2 | Jeffrey Dahmer | 106 | 0.11 | 2 min |
| #3 | Tshernobylin mamelukkikala | 84 | 0.22 | 2 min |
| #4 | Fake | 47 | 0.06 | 1 min |
| #5 | Kontakti | 28 | 0.06 | 0 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Tshernobylin mamelukkikala | +4.43 | 73 | 64 |
| #2 | kehari ♿ | +1.75 | 66 | 58 |
| #3 | Fake | +1.13 | 60 | 46 |
| #4 | Jape Ankka | -1.44 | 20 | 36 |
| #5 | Goatman | -2.01 | 32 | 36 |





