








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 710 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September





The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 53 matches | ||
| Wingman | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 2 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 11 different maps





Our logs show 9 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




22 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
1303 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 3,401 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 1906 | 56% |
| Smokes | 813 | 24% |
| HE Grenades | 572 | 17% |
| Molotovs | 110 | 3% |
Our logs show you have wasted $334,431 of utility $155 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 327 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Penguinz | 56% | 50 |
| #2 | John Pork | 53% | 66 |
| #3 | DefNotJenga | 52% | 21 |
| #4 | Cosmo | 48% | 27 |
| #5 | IM jay | 44% | 27 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | John Pork | 9 | 0.0062 |
| #2 | IM jay | 9 | 0.0144 |
| #3 | Mike Bloss, Mgr Site Engineering | 5 | 0.0245 |
| #4 | Jaffino | 3 | 0.0033 |
| #5 | DefNotJenga | 3 | 0.0065 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | John Pork | 367 | 0.25 | 9 min |
| #2 | IM jay | 196 | 0.31 | 6 min |
| #3 | Penguinz | 194 | 0.17 | 6 min |
| #4 | Jaffino | 117 | 0.13 | 3 min |
| #5 | BOT Cummy | 105 | 0.26 | 3 min |





