








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 26 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Faceit | 81 matches | ||
| Premier | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Office | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 11 different maps





Our logs show 5 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




8 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
1110 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 4,429 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 946 | 21% |
| Smokes | 1206 | 27% |
| HE Grenades | 1203 | 27% |
| Molotovs | 1074 | 24% |
Our logs show you have wasted $439,262 of utility $164 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 9 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #6 | chriswersonst | 57% | 7 |
| #7 | h1r$ch | 57% | 44 |
| #8 | pza1ko | 55% | 20 |
| #9 | dancermeister | 55% | 11 |
| #10 | oh jonny! | 43% | 7 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | h1r$ch | 4 | 0.0043 |
| #2 | jascha | 3 | 0.0012 |
| #3 | Zer0 | 2 | 0.0024 |
| #4 | -=DieteR=- | 1 | 0.0007 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | jascha | 331 | 0.13 | 6 min |
| #2 | -=DieteR=- | 294 | 0.20 | 8 min |
| #3 | h1r$ch | 134 | 0.14 | 3 min |
| #4 | Elias | 69 | 0.29 | 3 min |
| #5 | Zer0 | 67 | 0.08 | 2 min |





