








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 294 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September



The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 152 matches | ||
| Faceit | 40 matches | ||
| Wingman | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Train | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Office | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show 16 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




12 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
2323 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 9,252 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 1892 | 20% |
| Smokes | 2476 | 27% |
| HE Grenades | 2537 | 27% |
| Molotovs | 2347 | 25% |
Our logs show you have wasted $832,015 of utility $158 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 109 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #3 | 飛坦 (Feitan Porter) | 57% | 28 |
| #4 | kbs | 53% | 30 |
| #5 | Boaty McBoatface | 53% | 160 |
| #6 | ⍟ Miami Vice | 47% | 77 |
| #7 | D2 Global | 46% | 69 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Boaty McBoatface | 4 | 0.0012 |
| #2 | ⍟ Miami Vice | 4 | 0.0024 |
| #3 | Bongobernd | 3 | 0.0078 |
| #4 | D2 Global | 2 | 0.0014 |
| #5 | kbs | 1 | 0.0014 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | ⍟ Miami Vice | 199 | 0.12 | 7 min |
| #2 | Boaty McBoatface | 163 | 0.05 | 6 min |
| #3 | kbs | 51 | 0.07 | 1 min |
| #4 | D2 Global | 37 | 0.03 | 0 min |
| #5 | 飛坦 (Feitan Porter) | 22 | 0.04 | 1 min |





