








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 326 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September





The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 312 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 46 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 12 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 17 different maps





Our logs show 69 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




17 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
3005 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 4,810 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 846 | 18% |
| Smokes | 1385 | 29% |
| HE Grenades | 1286 | 27% |
| Molotovs | 1293 | 27% |
Our logs show you have wasted $1,776,140 of utility $186 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 172 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 47% | 287 |
| #2 | FunkJok3r | 46% | 113 |
| #3 | B4M | 43% | 249 |
| #4 | B3X | 40% | 187 |
| #5 | Colonia | 39% | 156 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #2 | FunkJok3r | 46% | 113 |
| #3 | B4M | 43% | 249 |
| #4 | B3X | 40% | 187 |
| #5 | Colonia | 39% | 156 |
| #6 | Janitor Tom | 38% | 92 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 18 | 0.0029 |
| #2 | B4M | 13 | 0.0025 |
| #3 | B3X | 7 | 0.0018 |
| #4 | Colonia | 3 | 0.0009 |
| #5 | Janitor Tom | 3 | 0.0016 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | B4M | 732 | 0.14 | 18 min |
| #2 | B3X | 705 | 0.18 | 19 min |
| #3 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 517 | 0.08 | 13 min |
| #4 | FunkJok3r | 361 | 0.16 | 11 min |
| #5 | Colonia | 167 | 0.05 | 6 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Janitor Tom | +4.26 | 75 | 53 |
| #2 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | +1.20 | 51 | 56 |
| #3 | B4M | +0.97 | 39 | 64 |
| #4 | MÆRV | -0.50 | 31 | 33 |
| #5 | Colonia | -1.53 | 29 | 63 |





