








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 251 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September





The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Dust2 | 85 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 15 matches | ||
| Premier | 12 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 12 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 11 matches | ||
| Competitive Agency | 10 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Italy | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 17 different maps





Our logs show 6 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




13 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
2174 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 5,480 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 991 | 18% |
| Smokes | 1874 | 34% |
| HE Grenades | 1464 | 27% |
| Molotovs | 1151 | 21% |
Our logs show you have wasted $478,762 of utility $107 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 126 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | FunkJok3r | 46% | 126 |
| #2 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 45% | 122 |
| #3 | Colonia | 42% | 140 |
| #4 | B4M | 41% | 101 |
| #5 | MÆRV | 38% | 92 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #2 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 45% | 122 |
| #3 | Colonia | 42% | 140 |
| #4 | B4M | 41% | 101 |
| #5 | MÆRV | 38% | 92 |
| #6 | B3X | 33% | 103 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 8 | 0.0033 |
| #2 | Colonia | 7 | 0.0025 |
| #3 | FunkJok3r | 6 | 0.0025 |
| #4 | B3X | 4 | 0.0019 |
| #5 | B4M | 2 | 0.0010 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | FunkJok3r | 378 | 0.15 | 11 min |
| #2 | B3X | 360 | 0.17 | 8 min |
| #3 | B4M | 233 | 0.11 | 6 min |
| #4 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | 192 | 0.08 | 5 min |
| #5 | Colonia | 145 | 0.05 | 4 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Janitor Tom | +4.13 | 74 | 52 |
| #2 | Don`t HASSEL the HOFF | -0.02 | 54 | 50 |
| #3 | B4M | -0.37 | 42 | 60 |
| #4 | MÆRV | -1.72 | 32 | 31 |
| #5 | Colonia | -2.18 | 32 | 58 |





