








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 15 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Faceit | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 11 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




4 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
405 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 1,853 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 780 | 42% |
| Smokes | 523 | 28% |
| HE Grenades | 277 | 15% |
| Molotovs | 273 | 15% |
Our logs show you have wasted $110,623 of utility $113 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 2 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | !Z! | 56% | 9 |
| #2 | Sadendipity | 48% | 21 |
| #3 | Bald cunt | 44% | 18 |
| #4 | Hotline Testis | 44% | 18 |
| #5 | PaperArt | 43% | 7 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Bald cunt | 4 | 0.0100 |
| #2 | Sadendipity | 3 | 0.0064 |
| #3 | psychopath | 1 | 0.0042 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Sadendipity | 137 | 0.29 | 3 min |
| #2 | !Z! | 59 | 0.28 | 1 min |
| #3 | psychopath | 39 | 0.16 | 1 min |
| #4 | Bald cunt | 36 | 0.09 | 1 min |
| #5 | Hotline Testis | 25 | 0.06 | 0 min |





