








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 17 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September
The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Dust2 | 35 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 28 matches | ||
| Wingman | 21 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 13 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 2 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 10 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




5 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
851 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 3,364 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 924 | 27% |
| Smokes | 1119 | 33% |
| HE Grenades | 749 | 22% |
| Molotovs | 572 | 17% |
Our logs show you have wasted $204,682 of utility $82 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 0 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Nick is in Paris! | 61% | 38 |
| #2 | AngloCentricNeoLiberalZeitgeist | 57% | 51 |
| #3 | ProtoEurasianHomoeroticZeitgeist | 52% | 73 |
| #4 | Duke Tenderloin | 36% | 11 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Nick is in Paris! | 61% | 38 |
| #2 | AngloCentricNeoLiberalZeitgeist | 57% | 51 |
| #3 | ProtoEurasianHomoeroticZeitgeist | 52% | 73 |
| #4 | Duke Tenderloin | 36% | 11 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | AngloCentricNeoLiberalZeitgeist | 9 | 0.0088 |
| #2 | Nick is in Paris! | 2 | 0.0026 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Nick is in Paris! | 91 | 0.12 | 2 min |
| #2 | ProtoEurasianHomoeroticZeitgeist | 54 | 0.04 | 2 min |
| #3 | AngloCentricNeoLiberalZeitgeist | 39 | 0.04 | 1 min |
| #4 | Duke Tenderloin | 26 | 0.12 | 1 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Nick is in Paris! | +3.95 | 75 | 55 |
| #2 | ProtoEurasianHomoeroticZeitgeist | +1.20 | 57 | 45 |
| #3 | Speirs | +0.81 | 42 | 52 |
| #4 | AngloCentricNeoLiberalZeitgeist | +0.73 | 41 | 44 |
| #5 | Duke Tenderloin | -2.00 | 26 | 52 |





