








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 63 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 156 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 28 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 14 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 10 matches | ||
| Wingman | 8 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Italy | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Agency | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




14 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
2918 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 9,903 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 3161 | 32% |
| Smokes | 3085 | 31% |
| HE Grenades | 1559 | 16% |
| Molotovs | 2098 | 21% |
Our logs show you have wasted $1,129,789 of utility $188 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 8 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | HalfPenny | 68% | 31 |
| #2 | Woellner | 62% | 37 |
| #3 | HitzK0pf | 58% | 43 |
| #4 | Plus-Sized Sex-Robot | 56% | 32 |
| #5 | Solidus™ | 55% | 42 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Lara | 6 | 0.0037 |
| #2 | Plus-Sized Sex-Robot | 5 | 0.0078 |
| #3 | Solidus™ | 4 | 0.0047 |
| #4 | Tyrone | 3 | 0.0024 |
| #5 | ✘ Lineo ✘ | 2 | 0.0012 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | HitzK0pf | 258 | 0.30 | 8 min |
| #2 | Plus-Sized Sex-Robot | 205 | 0.32 | 7 min |
| #3 | leafs | 119 | 0.15 | 3 min |
| #4 | Woellner | 114 | 0.15 | 2 min |
| #5 | HalfPenny | 81 | 0.14 | 2 min |





