








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 17 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September





The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Competitive Dust2 | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 3 matches | ||
| Premier | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 6 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




3 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
305 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 986 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 242 | 25% |
| Smokes | 256 | 26% |
| HE Grenades | 317 | 32% |
| Molotovs | 171 | 17% |
Our logs show you have wasted $86,139 of utility $131 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 6 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Baron Jerk zu Star | 100% | 2 |
| #2 | Aspekt_347 | 100% | 3 |
| #3 | LunaK | 80% | 5 |
| #4 | Acapulco GmbH | 80% | 5 |
| #5 | Woolly Mammoth | 71% | 7 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #13 | El Navaja | 50% | 4 |
| #14 | Baron Don Key | 38% | 8 |
| #15 | Baron Spray Charles IV. | 33% | 3 |
| #16 | ƮǞƮƮΦΦisƮ derankservice | 33% | 3 |
| #17 | Baron von Schmand und Faktor | 17% | 6 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Woolly Mammoth | 1 | 0.0068 |
| #2 | Baron von Schmand und Faktor | 1 | 0.0074 |
| #3 | Tequilian | 1 | 0.0156 |





