








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 24 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 38 matches | ||
| Faceit | 10 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 8 matches | ||
| Competitive Train | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 9 different maps





Our logs show No Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




5 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
775 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 1,713 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 763 | 45% |
| Smokes | 280 | 16% |
| HE Grenades | 319 | 19% |
| Molotovs | 351 | 20% |
Our logs show you have wasted $117,902 of utility $67 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 1 message into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #4 | J3WS IN BIRQJAMAS | 44% | 9 |
| #5 | MARLOW | 43% | 60 |
| #6 | Jack Merridew | 42% | 33 |
| #7 | Real Man | 38% | 16 |
| #8 | Raitla | 23% | 13 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | MARLOW | 1 | 0.0008 |
| #2 | Real Man | 1 | 0.0029 |
| #3 | Raitla | 1 | 0.0037 |
| #4 | Avarage Mirage Enjoyer | 1 | 0.0042 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | MARLOW | 75 | 0.06 | 1 min |
| #2 | Avarage Mirage Enjoyer | 58 | 0.24 | 1 min |
| #3 | Jack Merridew | 27 | 0.04 | 0 min |
| #4 | J3WS IN BIRQJAMAS | 16 | 0.10 | 0 min |
| #5 | Raitla | 15 | 0.06 | 1 min |





