








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 282 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 150 matches | ||
| Faceit | 78 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 58 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 48 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 9 matches | ||
| Competitive Ancient | 6 matches | ||
| Competitive Anubis | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Grail | 4 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 3 matches | ||
| Wingman | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 2 matches |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 12 different maps





Our logs show 69 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




33 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
4027 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 14,999 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 3764 | 25% |
| Smokes | 3468 | 23% |
| HE Grenades | 4276 | 29% |
| Molotovs | 3491 | 23% |
Our logs show you have wasted $892,658 of utility $104 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 957 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #3 | Sakura | 55% | 114 |
| #4 | FourEyedNormie | 54% | 46 |
| #5 | Ostrich The Bird | 52% | 270 |
| #6 | Boldsalmon | 52% | 187 |
| #7 | The Flying Clutchman | 47% | 127 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Ostrich The Bird | 17 | 0.0031 |
| #2 | The Flying Clutchman | 15 | 0.0058 |
| #3 | Boldsalmon | 3 | 0.0008 |
| #4 | Sakura | 2 | 0.0009 |
| #5 | ⛧Mitch⛧ | 2 | 0.0015 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Ostrich The Bird | 1147 | 0.21 | 26 min |
| #2 | FourEyedNormie | 322 | 0.33 | 7 min |
| #3 | The Flying Clutchman | 266 | 0.10 | 5 min |
| #4 | ⛧Mitch⛧ | 114 | 0.08 | 3 min |
| #5 | Sakura | 41 | 0.02 | 1 min |





