








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 10 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September


The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 163 matches | ||
| Faceit | 16 matches | ||
| Competitive Office | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Vertigo | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Train | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 13 different maps





Our logs show 15 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




21 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
2576 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 9,078 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 2028 | 22% |
| Smokes | 2632 | 29% |
| HE Grenades | 2140 | 24% |
| Molotovs | 2278 | 25% |
Our logs show you have wasted $602,918 of utility $113 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 50 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #4 | Shadow | 47% | 88 |
| #5 | LinK | 44% | 18 |
| #6 | relo | 44% | 36 |
| #7 | ecj | 35% | 43 |
| #8 | Nokotan | 29% | 34 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Shadow | 17 | 0.0092 |
| #2 | ecj | 17 | 0.0184 |
| #3 | the smell | 12 | 0.0050 |
| #4 | hotel california | 10 | 0.0034 |
| #5 | Nokotan | 7 | 0.0129 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | hotel california | 474 | 0.16 | 11 min |
| #2 | the smell | 290 | 0.12 | 7 min |
| #3 | Shadow | 210 | 0.11 | 5 min |
| #4 | relo | 95 | 0.12 | 2 min |
| #5 | ecj | 48 | 0.05 | 1 min |





