








System Report: Annual playtime data retrived
Downloading "touch_grass.exe"


The System has confirmed 71 achievements have been successfully gathered this year* *since we updated them in September




The system has detected peak performance.
You Personal Bests have been compiled for easy screenshotting and bragging rights.





















| Mode | Matches Played | Highest Rank | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Premier | 83 matches | ||
| Competitive Dust2 | 7 matches | ||
| Competitive Nuke | 5 matches | ||
| Competitive Overpass | 3 matches | ||
| Competitive Mirage | 2 matches | ||
| Faceit | 2 matches | ||
| Competitive Inferno | 1 match | ||
| Competitive Train | 1 match |
Mapping data processed:
You've clocked in on 11 different maps





Our logs show 6 Chickens Have been neutralized under your command
To pay $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Feathered Bird Investigators




13 of your human shaped victims were your teammates...
Chickens... Friends... Is nothing sacred?
1696 of your kills registered with elevated levels of pizzazz


System Performance Report:
You experienced several "do or die" situations this year.
Well? Did you do, or did you die?
The System has registered 3,488 total utility used this year.
| Util Type | Amount Thrown | % of Util |
|---|---|---|
| Flashes | 624 | 18% |
| Smokes | 1044 | 30% |
| HE Grenades | 1014 | 29% |
| Molotovs | 806 | 23% |
Our logs show you have wasted $562,412 of utility $160 per round
To pay another $5,000 to remove you from the FBI* Watchlist
*Frag Budget Investigators (Defo not the same guys as up there^)





Chat activity report generated...
You've entered 91 messages into the system this year. It was all positive, right? :)
These words were the most typed in 2025*; your typed words are highlighted.
Hover the words to see more info!
*Since we started tracking in June 2025 and with some censoring...

Talk about back pain because these 3 are heavy lifters...
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | dorothy | 59% | 17 |
| #2 | zelk | 57% | 14 |
| #3 | Bensonthebee | 56% | 18 |
| #4 | Theodin | 51% | 91 |
| #5 | Oatmeal | 50% | 84 |
| Pos | Player | Win Rate | Matches Played |
|---|---|---|---|
| #6 | Mikey☯ | 48% | 48 |
| #7 | James | 40% | 25 |
| #8 | BabyJesus | 40% | 40 |
| #9 | Horse | 35% | 17 |
| #10 | JerryOs | 22% | 9 |
| Pos | Player | Total Team Kills | Per Round |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Mikey☯ | 10 | 0.0095 |
| #2 | Oatmeal | 6 | 0.0033 |
| #3 | Theodin | 3 | 0.0015 |
| #4 | James | 3 | 0.0058 |
| #5 | dorothy | 3 | 0.0090 |
| Pos | Player | Times Flashed | Per Round | Flash Duration |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Theodin | 313 | 0.16 | 7 min |
| #2 | Oatmeal | 204 | 0.11 | 5 min |
| #3 | Mikey☯ | 86 | 0.08 | 2 min |
| #4 | BabyJesus | 58 | 0.07 | 1 min |
| #5 | James | 42 | 0.08 | 1 min |
| Pos | Player | Leetify Rating | Aim Rating | Utility Rating |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Mikey☯ | +1.80 | 73 | 51 |
| #2 | badtothebonedave9 | +1.31 | 59 | 48 |
| #3 | Bensonthebee | +0.94 | 70 | 53 |
| #4 | Oatmeal | -0.30 | 63 | 65 |
| #5 | James | -0.44 | 63 | 43 |





